Thursday, February 17, 2005
A Wrench in the Cog
Feeling very sad right now. I love The Handyman but..He dozen't want a child. We had a wonderful weekend together. I learned new things, number one I am a natural with motor sports AND he can sing. We both sang Avril Lavigne's, "I'm With You on the way back from Sandlake. He is even willing to learn some karaoke duets so we could try our talents out on a new audience. This tickled me like no one's business since I never have been with anyone other than my ex-husband who could carry a tune. But even David wouldn't do a duet with me. Things were going smoothly until we went to dinner at Red Lobster last night. The Handyman wanted to treat us both with his free $50 gift certificate. I started to clam up when we talked about our dreams and aspirations until he said, "You know I don't want kids". I didn't know what to say but wanted to say but at that very moment I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run away screaming and be back in my mom's arms to cry the night away. It just tears me up at this moment just writing this entry.
The Handyman must have sensed something since he kept looking at me and checking if I was OK. I know he knows that it was a hard blow to him. I am now trying to decide to move forward with our getting to know each other or just cut my losses here. The selfish thing he is everything I ever wanted in a partner and can see financial promise with our union but is it all worth it at the expense of me not having the son/daughter that I have dreamed for since I was a young girl. The answer is I don't know? He had a vasectomy six months ago so any potential of me getting accidentally pregnant is next to nil unless it is due to diving intervention.
Feeling very sad right now. I love The Handyman but..He dozen't want a child. We had a wonderful weekend together. I learned new things, number one I am a natural with motor sports AND he can sing. We both sang Avril Lavigne's, "I'm With You on the way back from Sandlake. He is even willing to learn some karaoke duets so we could try our talents out on a new audience. This tickled me like no one's business since I never have been with anyone other than my ex-husband who could carry a tune. But even David wouldn't do a duet with me. Things were going smoothly until we went to dinner at Red Lobster last night. The Handyman wanted to treat us both with his free $50 gift certificate. I started to clam up when we talked about our dreams and aspirations until he said, "You know I don't want kids". I didn't know what to say but wanted to say but at that very moment I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run away screaming and be back in my mom's arms to cry the night away. It just tears me up at this moment just writing this entry.
The Handyman must have sensed something since he kept looking at me and checking if I was OK. I know he knows that it was a hard blow to him. I am now trying to decide to move forward with our getting to know each other or just cut my losses here. The selfish thing he is everything I ever wanted in a partner and can see financial promise with our union but is it all worth it at the expense of me not having the son/daughter that I have dreamed for since I was a young girl. The answer is I don't know? He had a vasectomy six months ago so any potential of me getting accidentally pregnant is next to nil unless it is due to diving intervention.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Only One Carryon Please
Last night was pretty intense. The Handyman and I had an serious conversation about where we are now and where we are going. We started at 8:30PM and I didn't leave his house until 11:30PM. I just layed it on the line that for this to work he needs to get rid of two of his access baggage, ex-wife and ex-girlfriend: The Asian. He understood...I also made it clear that I could see us cohabitating in one place, he prefers his house, but under the stipulation that we will build or buy brand new a place to call our own. I still feel weird living in a house that was occupied by three other women prior to me. Those three relationships ended and am a firm believer of karma.
He was also very honest about his marijuana habits. I guess he was doing all this up until the unexpected appedectomy surgery last week. I advised him that I still love him and that would not stop me from thinking any less of him. I only told him that I am worried that if he would continue this habit it may jeopardize all the hard work he has put in his successful business. He agreed. The Handyman advised that he has quit cold turkey and I commended him and offered further therapy.
I don't know how I feel today. I am excited about starting my life with him but still very cautious. I am still worried about the other aspect about family. He has had a vasectomy and I don't know if he would ever reverse it. It is very important to me to have a child (boy or girl) as long as he/she is healthy. I don't know if he supports this passion of mine. It's been hard lately walking by the daycare next to work. All the babies there are so cute and I lately I have been dreaming about my daughter Sophie. Only time will tell.
Last night was pretty intense. The Handyman and I had an serious conversation about where we are now and where we are going. We started at 8:30PM and I didn't leave his house until 11:30PM. I just layed it on the line that for this to work he needs to get rid of two of his access baggage, ex-wife and ex-girlfriend: The Asian. He understood...I also made it clear that I could see us cohabitating in one place, he prefers his house, but under the stipulation that we will build or buy brand new a place to call our own. I still feel weird living in a house that was occupied by three other women prior to me. Those three relationships ended and am a firm believer of karma.
He was also very honest about his marijuana habits. I guess he was doing all this up until the unexpected appedectomy surgery last week. I advised him that I still love him and that would not stop me from thinking any less of him. I only told him that I am worried that if he would continue this habit it may jeopardize all the hard work he has put in his successful business. He agreed. The Handyman advised that he has quit cold turkey and I commended him and offered further therapy.
I don't know how I feel today. I am excited about starting my life with him but still very cautious. I am still worried about the other aspect about family. He has had a vasectomy and I don't know if he would ever reverse it. It is very important to me to have a child (boy or girl) as long as he/she is healthy. I don't know if he supports this passion of mine. It's been hard lately walking by the daycare next to work. All the babies there are so cute and I lately I have been dreaming about my daughter Sophie. Only time will tell.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Operation Chicken and a new leaf
I know it’s been a long time since I have added anything to my blog but so much has happen since my last entry.
I will just start at the beginning since that is always the best place to start. It started with a bang, literally...my friends and I decided to relive our youth and can you believe it we egged a house. This happened March 2004 and it was no ordinary house. This was the house of the infamous Wynonna. This is the she-beast that has been trying to win the affections of the Tool Man. I decided to call in some of the big guns, my childhood friend of 20 years as well as my former top trainer. Both were ready and willing to help with Operation Chicken. I picked both for their formidable talents. My childhood friend had a very good softball arm and I knew this would come in handy. My top trainer had a soccer mom mini van that had sliding doors on each side for easy in and out. We started our covert operations at my house in Salem. We then drove South on I-5 to the local motel and plotted our moves. I of course brought the month old eggs. We decided to whittle away the time by going to the karaoke bar adjacent to our motel room. We livened the place up until 1AM and then went about our way. I was behind the wheel and let’s call her "The Arm" and the "Trainer" was in the back ready to spring the side doors and throw to our hearts content. It was a quiet night and a hint of moonlight. I circled the perimeter a couple of times to make sure there was no lone dog walker or early morning newspaper boy. Well after the 2nd time around we decided to make our kill. It was in slow motion and the doors swung open and "The Arm" did her thing. Unfortunately we were too far away from the driveway to hit the cars as well as the house. So what do we do, we do another turn around the neighborhood, this time driving closer to the house. SUCCESS…"The Arm" and "The Trainer" barraged the house and cars with the eggs. I swiftly rolled out of the driveway without any skid noises and the two ladies jumped back in. We left there unscathed and had to wait patiently about the aftermath. The weird thing was that for more than a couple of months, nothing was talked about the incident. I almost thought I had dreamt it since it was so surreal. We didn’t hear about our evil deed until The Tool Man had casually mentioned three months later that the house was egged. He also stated that Wynonna forbade her demon seed to stop playing with his son assuming that he and his adolescent school chums were the culprits of this crime. That is all we ever heard of it till this day.
Fast forward nine months and here we are. I am tired I can tell you that. I am tired of being taken advantage emotionally and financially by The Tool Man. I had decided to end this sinking ship of a relationship. I also was yearning for that special someone to meet my needs. After much thought and after I moved out to get my own place in Beaverton, it was clear. I decided to end it once and for all. Since then I have met someone special. It was happen chance as well. Just as random as how I found my new loft which I love so much. If you haven’t heard about the craigslist, it’s the best on online garage sale known to man. There is one of these located for each state in the US. I decided to check out the personals to see what kind of freakazoids available. Granted I only looked at the profiles with pictures attached because I am such a visual person myself. It provided me several hours of joy when I noticed a profile that listed everything I needed in a partner. The title read something about a special lady he would adore. I was very skeptical but intrigued. I waited a day or two before I sent an email. As soon as I sent my email, I received a response less than 24 hours from the time it was sent. The response was as sincere and honest as the original profile. By this time I was hooked but then the Catholic schoolgirl in me started to remind me that I shouldn’t have been looking at the personals at all.
Well to make a long story short, too late you say, we kept corresponding and eventually met. The sparks flew when we finally saw each other in the flesh and I knew I wanted to know more about this man, a.k.a. The Handyman.
It’s now been a month and it is going strong. Since then I have officially broken my ties with The Tool Man, although he keeps calling telling me how much he misses me…oy vey. Since then The Handyman and I have consummated our relationship and just like his last name, he was very well endowed. I think the only concern I have is that he has a very good relationship with his former girlfriend who is Asian and has a name that has the same first initial as mine (weird?). I am right now waiting for The Handyman to come out of his emergency appendectomy surgery and guess who is here, the other Asian. I have to say I feel a little bit uncomfortable because I feel like there is one too many Asian here. I must tell him how I feel about her involvement. I know they are friends but I don’t think I am OK with it. You don’t see me and my ex-husband just hanging out.
Well we were able to weather the storm of his health and through it we both discovered this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Also we learned that there are some baggage that he needs to let loose of (The Asian and the other Ex). I am nursing him back to health and this weekend led to the very three words I wanted to hear from him - I love you. More to come on this : )
I know it’s been a long time since I have added anything to my blog but so much has happen since my last entry.
I will just start at the beginning since that is always the best place to start. It started with a bang, literally...my friends and I decided to relive our youth and can you believe it we egged a house. This happened March 2004 and it was no ordinary house. This was the house of the infamous Wynonna. This is the she-beast that has been trying to win the affections of the Tool Man. I decided to call in some of the big guns, my childhood friend of 20 years as well as my former top trainer. Both were ready and willing to help with Operation Chicken. I picked both for their formidable talents. My childhood friend had a very good softball arm and I knew this would come in handy. My top trainer had a soccer mom mini van that had sliding doors on each side for easy in and out. We started our covert operations at my house in Salem. We then drove South on I-5 to the local motel and plotted our moves. I of course brought the month old eggs. We decided to whittle away the time by going to the karaoke bar adjacent to our motel room. We livened the place up until 1AM and then went about our way. I was behind the wheel and let’s call her "The Arm" and the "Trainer" was in the back ready to spring the side doors and throw to our hearts content. It was a quiet night and a hint of moonlight. I circled the perimeter a couple of times to make sure there was no lone dog walker or early morning newspaper boy. Well after the 2nd time around we decided to make our kill. It was in slow motion and the doors swung open and "The Arm" did her thing. Unfortunately we were too far away from the driveway to hit the cars as well as the house. So what do we do, we do another turn around the neighborhood, this time driving closer to the house. SUCCESS…"The Arm" and "The Trainer" barraged the house and cars with the eggs. I swiftly rolled out of the driveway without any skid noises and the two ladies jumped back in. We left there unscathed and had to wait patiently about the aftermath. The weird thing was that for more than a couple of months, nothing was talked about the incident. I almost thought I had dreamt it since it was so surreal. We didn’t hear about our evil deed until The Tool Man had casually mentioned three months later that the house was egged. He also stated that Wynonna forbade her demon seed to stop playing with his son assuming that he and his adolescent school chums were the culprits of this crime. That is all we ever heard of it till this day.
Fast forward nine months and here we are. I am tired I can tell you that. I am tired of being taken advantage emotionally and financially by The Tool Man. I had decided to end this sinking ship of a relationship. I also was yearning for that special someone to meet my needs. After much thought and after I moved out to get my own place in Beaverton, it was clear. I decided to end it once and for all. Since then I have met someone special. It was happen chance as well. Just as random as how I found my new loft which I love so much. If you haven’t heard about the craigslist, it’s the best on online garage sale known to man. There is one of these located for each state in the US. I decided to check out the personals to see what kind of freakazoids available. Granted I only looked at the profiles with pictures attached because I am such a visual person myself. It provided me several hours of joy when I noticed a profile that listed everything I needed in a partner. The title read something about a special lady he would adore. I was very skeptical but intrigued. I waited a day or two before I sent an email. As soon as I sent my email, I received a response less than 24 hours from the time it was sent. The response was as sincere and honest as the original profile. By this time I was hooked but then the Catholic schoolgirl in me started to remind me that I shouldn’t have been looking at the personals at all.
Well to make a long story short, too late you say, we kept corresponding and eventually met. The sparks flew when we finally saw each other in the flesh and I knew I wanted to know more about this man, a.k.a. The Handyman.
It’s now been a month and it is going strong. Since then I have officially broken my ties with The Tool Man, although he keeps calling telling me how much he misses me…oy vey. Since then The Handyman and I have consummated our relationship and just like his last name, he was very well endowed. I think the only concern I have is that he has a very good relationship with his former girlfriend who is Asian and has a name that has the same first initial as mine (weird?). I am right now waiting for The Handyman to come out of his emergency appendectomy surgery and guess who is here, the other Asian. I have to say I feel a little bit uncomfortable because I feel like there is one too many Asian here. I must tell him how I feel about her involvement. I know they are friends but I don’t think I am OK with it. You don’t see me and my ex-husband just hanging out.
Well we were able to weather the storm of his health and through it we both discovered this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Also we learned that there are some baggage that he needs to let loose of (The Asian and the other Ex). I am nursing him back to health and this weekend led to the very three words I wanted to hear from him - I love you. More to come on this : )
Friday, February 20, 2004
LOSS OF A FAMILY MEMBER
Just several hours ago I had to put one of my dogs Earnie to sleep. For the last 48 hours he has suffered the most a little dog should ever have to endure.
I received a distraught call from the Tool Man frantically stating he was not well. I rushed back from a team building in Medford to tend to Earnie.
It was the most pitifal sight I had seen. There laying in this sterile room was my little friend who was hooked up to so many tubes. It's amazing the will of the animal to live. He had already suffered several seizures which likely leads to brain damage. The English veterinary named Tim was very helpful. He asked several probing questions that could have caused Earnie's quick liver and kidney breakdown. He asked if he had eaten or drinken any poison, perhaps antifreeze. I drove quickly back to the Tool Man's house and to my horror found a simple bowl which contained the deadly concoction that killed that loving dog.
I called the vet immediately and was advised that it was a gamble but there is a antifreeze serum that may work if the dog has eaten the poison within 24 hours. I knew in my heart that it was past that duration but at that point didn't care how much this serum cost and if there was a slight chance it would work.
I picked up the serum and Earnie was injected with it. The only thing we could do was wait....
My ex, The Chef, and who is also the other parent of Earnie called and arrived down to the vet to also see how Earnie was doing. We both knew he wasn't the same loving dog who would try to hold you down when you would rise from bed by his neck. This poor and pitiful animal was suffering.
Move ahead 24 hours and I find myself at the ER where we had Earnie for observation. The serum did not work and the inevitable was near. I had to decide to either end his suffering or try to keep him alive for my sake. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. The only thing I regret from it was I was not there to hold him when they euthanized Earnie. When I recall that moment, I wish I could relive it because I should have been there for him to see that he is not alone and that I will always be by his side.
Once he was put to sleep, they gave me his warm body wrapped up in the green towel we lovingly brought him in. It was very surreal because it felt like he was just asleep and would wake up any minute to lick my face or try to find his friend Bert.
Both my ex and I decided to take him back home to my house and bury him in the backyard. He is there now with a beautiful rose bush planted above him that my friends at work had purchased for me to remember him by.
I miss him everyday and do not want to forget about him. I sometimes burst into tears thinking about how he feltl trying to get that poison out of his little body and I had no idea when I had left the next day for my trip to Medford.
I am still in awe how quickly someone or something that you love can be gone from this Earth. I don't take a lot of things for granted because of this recent experience. I hope Earnie is somewhere warm where he can take his lazy afternoon naps and be loved as much as he was loved here on this Earth.
Just several hours ago I had to put one of my dogs Earnie to sleep. For the last 48 hours he has suffered the most a little dog should ever have to endure.
I received a distraught call from the Tool Man frantically stating he was not well. I rushed back from a team building in Medford to tend to Earnie.
It was the most pitifal sight I had seen. There laying in this sterile room was my little friend who was hooked up to so many tubes. It's amazing the will of the animal to live. He had already suffered several seizures which likely leads to brain damage. The English veterinary named Tim was very helpful. He asked several probing questions that could have caused Earnie's quick liver and kidney breakdown. He asked if he had eaten or drinken any poison, perhaps antifreeze. I drove quickly back to the Tool Man's house and to my horror found a simple bowl which contained the deadly concoction that killed that loving dog.
I called the vet immediately and was advised that it was a gamble but there is a antifreeze serum that may work if the dog has eaten the poison within 24 hours. I knew in my heart that it was past that duration but at that point didn't care how much this serum cost and if there was a slight chance it would work.
I picked up the serum and Earnie was injected with it. The only thing we could do was wait....
My ex, The Chef, and who is also the other parent of Earnie called and arrived down to the vet to also see how Earnie was doing. We both knew he wasn't the same loving dog who would try to hold you down when you would rise from bed by his neck. This poor and pitiful animal was suffering.
Move ahead 24 hours and I find myself at the ER where we had Earnie for observation. The serum did not work and the inevitable was near. I had to decide to either end his suffering or try to keep him alive for my sake. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. The only thing I regret from it was I was not there to hold him when they euthanized Earnie. When I recall that moment, I wish I could relive it because I should have been there for him to see that he is not alone and that I will always be by his side.
Once he was put to sleep, they gave me his warm body wrapped up in the green towel we lovingly brought him in. It was very surreal because it felt like he was just asleep and would wake up any minute to lick my face or try to find his friend Bert.
Both my ex and I decided to take him back home to my house and bury him in the backyard. He is there now with a beautiful rose bush planted above him that my friends at work had purchased for me to remember him by.
I miss him everyday and do not want to forget about him. I sometimes burst into tears thinking about how he feltl trying to get that poison out of his little body and I had no idea when I had left the next day for my trip to Medford.
I am still in awe how quickly someone or something that you love can be gone from this Earth. I don't take a lot of things for granted because of this recent experience. I hope Earnie is somewhere warm where he can take his lazy afternoon naps and be loved as much as he was loved here on this Earth.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Happy Valentines Day to Proud Mary
DISCLAIMER: As promised, here is another entry devoted to "anal sex".
Friday, 2/13/04
The Tool Man and I started our Valentine Day weekend on Friday. He arrived late due to waiting for his ex to pick up his child and then did his house chores before coming to my house at 9:30PM.
We had dinner, made some small talk and then decided to call it a night. I secretly
wanted to go dancing at a local night club but it was apparent that he was very tired, although not tired to have wild sex.
We talked for an hour or so in the dark, hugged, and cuddled and then I stated that I couldn't go to sleep due to the excitement of V-day. Tool Man suprisingly agreed and stated he wanted to go for a drink, his treat. I of course got up quickly and we ended up going to that bar.
It was raining, but that didn't stop us. There was no line outside which was perfect and we walked in. To our surprise, it was non-smoking so we had a couple of fancy drinks and decided to kick up our heels on the dance floor. There was some kind of scuffle since we saw a couple of the club's bouncers and patrons run after a hispanic man. Some stated there was a fight, but didn't see it. We proceeding to shake our groove thing for another hour and decided to go home.
We stopped at a local taqueria and ordered some food before we went home. By the time it was all said and done we were back in my bed by 2:30AM.
Saturday, 2/14/04
We awoke at 8AM to get ready for a workout. We dropped off Ernie and Bert at the kennel and then proceeding to my local gym. I did weights with the Tool Man for about half and hour and went to my weekly Step Class. It was a blast since all my friends I hadn't seen for a couple of months were there. My friend and Step Coach was teaching and her husband.
From there we went home, showered and headed to my Grandma's house. I hadn't seen her since two years ago. Mostly due to not want to deal with family after the Chef and my separation and divorce.
On the way to my grandma's house (isn't this a song), The Tool Man received a phone call on his cell. I had a gut feeling it was that annoying mother of his son's best friend who secretly has the hots for him. First of all let me explain what this beast looks like...I had the displeasure of meeting this woman about three weeks ago. She came to pick up her son, let's call him McEnroe, she had the audacity to stay about an hour citing that was waiting for her son and the Tool Man's son to finish whatever they were concocting. The whole time she was talking directly to my man and didn't hardly address me. I am guessing she is about 38-39, wearing cords two sizes small for her frame with an 80's red hair do, what was she thinking? Once and awhile she would ask me a question just to feel out where I rate in the Tool Man's life. She asked me how we met, how long we have been together and if I had any children. During this grilling, her very rambunctious, four year old daughter was busy sitting between my boyfriend and I wanting as much attention as her beast of a mother. I smiled sweetly and answered her probing questions and made it clear with the last that no I do not have children currently (since I have a career to tend to) BUT plan to have one soon. From that visit I found out that she used to live in Colorado, is either divorced or separated from her spouse, has two children and is living with her parents in Springfield (total winner). Since meeting let's call her Wynonna, she has called Tim randomly to talk about her dating woes. After our first meeting, that night I was very honest with Tim stating the obvious and that I don't feel comfortable with her around. I also pointed out that he has the perfect situation, house, new car, his kid gets along with his kids. I can see her slow wheels turning thinking, he's great with my kids and attractive, I could live here...NOT! He like every straight male didn't notice the advances but promised to keep her at bay.
Back to Saturday...his cell phone rings and lo and behold it is Wynonna talking about her date last night. The Tool Man was very courteous and asked about her son McEnroe to get the conversation back on track but Wynonna kept talking about her. At this point I am starting to get miffed and sensing that so the Tool Man tells her he must get off the phone since we are heading to my grandma's house and doesn't like to talk on his cell when trying to find a new place. One off the phone I ask was that Wynnona and he states yes. I then proceeding to tell him how inappropriate her calling him about her personal life and the Tool Man agreed. More on Wynonna later in this entry.
We arrived at my Grandma's house and were treated with a feast of food. They adored The Toolman and were excited to hear what was up with my life since two years ago. Like my mother, my grandma had a way of making me cry when she would recall my youth and how much my brother and I have grown. The Tool Man picked up on this and realized how emotional our family can be.
We headed from there after much hugs and kisses.
We arrived at the Marriott and settled in our beautiful riverview room on the eight floor. There were many couples there due to their V-Day special.
We went to the restaurant and to my surprise were not seated by a window. After much fussing, we finally were moved to a window seat. We had a wonderful dinner and had several fancy cocktails. During through dinner we had a heart to heart talk about our relationship and where we were going with that. Wynonna's name was brought up and we made an agreement that if she called The Tool Man again about anything other than her son that he would be very honest and advise her that he is not interested and very committed to me. Many times over dinner we talked about what we loved about each other, what we feared about moving forward and if there was a possibility that this would not work to part way as friends.
We stopped by at Spartacus to get some lube and of course admire the things there, I love that place. There was a very helpful gay man in the back (how perfect is that) who answered all our questions about lube and other sex toys.
From there two hours of dinner we headed back to our room. We called Room Service for our free bottle of champagne and chocoloate covered strawberries. I brought candles and lit them everywhere, hoping not to set the fire alarm and sprinklers. Turned on some Toni Braxton and drew a hot bath with the sensous Ylang Ylang bath concoction from the Body Shop. After 30 minutes of soaking and kissing we headed to the bed, also aligned with candles. We made love and then The Tool Man pulled out our newly bought lube and went to town in my ASS!!!!!
We both came and after cleaning each other up, went to bed. This is a Valentine's Day to remember.
DISCLAIMER: As promised, here is another entry devoted to "anal sex".
Friday, 2/13/04
The Tool Man and I started our Valentine Day weekend on Friday. He arrived late due to waiting for his ex to pick up his child and then did his house chores before coming to my house at 9:30PM.
We had dinner, made some small talk and then decided to call it a night. I secretly
wanted to go dancing at a local night club but it was apparent that he was very tired, although not tired to have wild sex.
We talked for an hour or so in the dark, hugged, and cuddled and then I stated that I couldn't go to sleep due to the excitement of V-day. Tool Man suprisingly agreed and stated he wanted to go for a drink, his treat. I of course got up quickly and we ended up going to that bar.
It was raining, but that didn't stop us. There was no line outside which was perfect and we walked in. To our surprise, it was non-smoking so we had a couple of fancy drinks and decided to kick up our heels on the dance floor. There was some kind of scuffle since we saw a couple of the club's bouncers and patrons run after a hispanic man. Some stated there was a fight, but didn't see it. We proceeding to shake our groove thing for another hour and decided to go home.
We stopped at a local taqueria and ordered some food before we went home. By the time it was all said and done we were back in my bed by 2:30AM.
Saturday, 2/14/04
We awoke at 8AM to get ready for a workout. We dropped off Ernie and Bert at the kennel and then proceeding to my local gym. I did weights with the Tool Man for about half and hour and went to my weekly Step Class. It was a blast since all my friends I hadn't seen for a couple of months were there. My friend and Step Coach was teaching and her husband.
From there we went home, showered and headed to my Grandma's house. I hadn't seen her since two years ago. Mostly due to not want to deal with family after the Chef and my separation and divorce.
On the way to my grandma's house (isn't this a song), The Tool Man received a phone call on his cell. I had a gut feeling it was that annoying mother of his son's best friend who secretly has the hots for him. First of all let me explain what this beast looks like...I had the displeasure of meeting this woman about three weeks ago. She came to pick up her son, let's call him McEnroe, she had the audacity to stay about an hour citing that was waiting for her son and the Tool Man's son to finish whatever they were concocting. The whole time she was talking directly to my man and didn't hardly address me. I am guessing she is about 38-39, wearing cords two sizes small for her frame with an 80's red hair do, what was she thinking? Once and awhile she would ask me a question just to feel out where I rate in the Tool Man's life. She asked me how we met, how long we have been together and if I had any children. During this grilling, her very rambunctious, four year old daughter was busy sitting between my boyfriend and I wanting as much attention as her beast of a mother. I smiled sweetly and answered her probing questions and made it clear with the last that no I do not have children currently (since I have a career to tend to) BUT plan to have one soon. From that visit I found out that she used to live in Colorado, is either divorced or separated from her spouse, has two children and is living with her parents in Springfield (total winner). Since meeting let's call her Wynonna, she has called Tim randomly to talk about her dating woes. After our first meeting, that night I was very honest with Tim stating the obvious and that I don't feel comfortable with her around. I also pointed out that he has the perfect situation, house, new car, his kid gets along with his kids. I can see her slow wheels turning thinking, he's great with my kids and attractive, I could live here...NOT! He like every straight male didn't notice the advances but promised to keep her at bay.
Back to Saturday...his cell phone rings and lo and behold it is Wynonna talking about her date last night. The Tool Man was very courteous and asked about her son McEnroe to get the conversation back on track but Wynonna kept talking about her. At this point I am starting to get miffed and sensing that so the Tool Man tells her he must get off the phone since we are heading to my grandma's house and doesn't like to talk on his cell when trying to find a new place. One off the phone I ask was that Wynnona and he states yes. I then proceeding to tell him how inappropriate her calling him about her personal life and the Tool Man agreed. More on Wynonna later in this entry.
We arrived at my Grandma's house and were treated with a feast of food. They adored The Toolman and were excited to hear what was up with my life since two years ago. Like my mother, my grandma had a way of making me cry when she would recall my youth and how much my brother and I have grown. The Tool Man picked up on this and realized how emotional our family can be.
We headed from there after much hugs and kisses.
We arrived at the Marriott and settled in our beautiful riverview room on the eight floor. There were many couples there due to their V-Day special.
We went to the restaurant and to my surprise were not seated by a window. After much fussing, we finally were moved to a window seat. We had a wonderful dinner and had several fancy cocktails. During through dinner we had a heart to heart talk about our relationship and where we were going with that. Wynonna's name was brought up and we made an agreement that if she called The Tool Man again about anything other than her son that he would be very honest and advise her that he is not interested and very committed to me. Many times over dinner we talked about what we loved about each other, what we feared about moving forward and if there was a possibility that this would not work to part way as friends.
We stopped by at Spartacus to get some lube and of course admire the things there, I love that place. There was a very helpful gay man in the back (how perfect is that) who answered all our questions about lube and other sex toys.
From there two hours of dinner we headed back to our room. We called Room Service for our free bottle of champagne and chocoloate covered strawberries. I brought candles and lit them everywhere, hoping not to set the fire alarm and sprinklers. Turned on some Toni Braxton and drew a hot bath with the sensous Ylang Ylang bath concoction from the Body Shop. After 30 minutes of soaking and kissing we headed to the bed, also aligned with candles. We made love and then The Tool Man pulled out our newly bought lube and went to town in my ASS!!!!!
We both came and after cleaning each other up, went to bed. This is a Valentine's Day to remember.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
FRUSTRATED AT 9:30PM
This is the third time this month where I had another frustrating phone conversation with the Tool Man. I sometimes don't know why I am in this relationship and have to cry just to refresh myself.
The hard part is that he is very loving and caring in so many ways and is probably one of the best lovers I have ever had. The other side is that when it comes to intellect, I still feel we are worlds apart. I must decide if this is something I can live with or not and lately he has been testing me on this. I also have to deal with a child from his previous marriage. This is a hard challenge because that is a link with his ex-wife that will never go away. This bothers me some since it is a strong reminder of his love for her and what they created. I like his child but I can't lie, there are time that I wish he didn't exist. I want Tool Man's time all to me and don't know if I can be shared anymore.
I don't want to make another mistake in my life and don't want to be hurt again the way that the Chef had hurt me.
Another challenge is that I think I am slowly falling in love or is it maybe lust for a co-worker that I have been working closely with. Lately he has been very attentive to me and showers me with compliments. We match each other wit by wit and I am attracted to him. The problem is that he also has a pre-adolescent child from his previous marriage and is 42 years old. I am guessing a young baby is not in his future. I will keep this desire within my heart and this blog and to you who read this.
I will probably go to bed tonight with my faithful companions Ernie and Bert who love me unconditionally even though they both have bad breaths. These are those moments I wish I was a young child again safe in my old bedroom knowing my mom and dad are nearby to take care of me and make all the bad dreams and monsters under my bed go away.
Till then I will fight them by myself and only hope there is reprive for me in the morning.
This is the third time this month where I had another frustrating phone conversation with the Tool Man. I sometimes don't know why I am in this relationship and have to cry just to refresh myself.
The hard part is that he is very loving and caring in so many ways and is probably one of the best lovers I have ever had. The other side is that when it comes to intellect, I still feel we are worlds apart. I must decide if this is something I can live with or not and lately he has been testing me on this. I also have to deal with a child from his previous marriage. This is a hard challenge because that is a link with his ex-wife that will never go away. This bothers me some since it is a strong reminder of his love for her and what they created. I like his child but I can't lie, there are time that I wish he didn't exist. I want Tool Man's time all to me and don't know if I can be shared anymore.
I don't want to make another mistake in my life and don't want to be hurt again the way that the Chef had hurt me.
Another challenge is that I think I am slowly falling in love or is it maybe lust for a co-worker that I have been working closely with. Lately he has been very attentive to me and showers me with compliments. We match each other wit by wit and I am attracted to him. The problem is that he also has a pre-adolescent child from his previous marriage and is 42 years old. I am guessing a young baby is not in his future. I will keep this desire within my heart and this blog and to you who read this.
I will probably go to bed tonight with my faithful companions Ernie and Bert who love me unconditionally even though they both have bad breaths. These are those moments I wish I was a young child again safe in my old bedroom knowing my mom and dad are nearby to take care of me and make all the bad dreams and monsters under my bed go away.
Till then I will fight them by myself and only hope there is reprive for me in the morning.
Ster Dog, aka Monster Dog
What a sad existance this little man with a large head. He comes every Monday to torment us with his songs of Metallica, and most recently Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me".
I don't know from where he comes from or what he does for a living. For all we know he could be some body double for well known porn flicks and tries his hand of living a normal life as the local karaoke nerd.
He has been humiliated more than once. Mostly recently by a Yum Yum's drunk ramblings of being a chess team member to several months ago when yours truely did an anonymous Willamette Week personal ad to him. YET, he comes back with large head held high. That I will give him, for he doesn't back down easily.
I raise my Budweiser to you Ster Dog and may your bulbous head lay still and silent from wherever you rest it.
What a sad existance this little man with a large head. He comes every Monday to torment us with his songs of Metallica, and most recently Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me".
I don't know from where he comes from or what he does for a living. For all we know he could be some body double for well known porn flicks and tries his hand of living a normal life as the local karaoke nerd.
He has been humiliated more than once. Mostly recently by a Yum Yum's drunk ramblings of being a chess team member to several months ago when yours truely did an anonymous Willamette Week personal ad to him. YET, he comes back with large head held high. That I will give him, for he doesn't back down easily.
I raise my Budweiser to you Ster Dog and may your bulbous head lay still and silent from wherever you rest it.
WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH...
I know it's been awhile since I write now thoughts, words, feelings are flooding out from me.
There is this wonderful line in the Lord of the Rings final trilogy, Return of the King that still haunts me. It's when Gandolph's replies to the hobbitt Mary when Mary states, "It's soo quiet" just before they do battle for Middle Earth with the Orks. Gandolph simply replies, "It's the last breath, before the fall".
This quote has stuck with me since I had seen that fatefull scene because there are times that I always feel like I am falling, whether I dream it or sometimes I feel that there is nothing else to hold on to.
A dear friend came to me in her time of need to ask for my hand to stop her from falling. She and her husband of 15 years are going through rough times in their marriage. She has cheated on him and I honestly told her she needed to tell him. We discussed her confused love of the other man as well as her life with her husband the Attorney. Below is an email of her discussion with her husband and how they are in a sense going through the battle of the heart. In our conversation, we also talked about my recent hurt about my ex-husband remarrying and being a father. My dear friend the Writer has been praying for that daughter I dream about each night I have named Sophie. She too hopes that Sophie and I will eventually meet.
"Proud Mary what a good and solid friend you are. Thank you so much for your very straight advice; it was just the right "lay it out on the table" nudge I
needed. I talked to the Attorney Saturday night at dinner ? I did not tell him
every last detail and left quite a bit of the physical stuff out, but he
got the picture ? that at the very least I am having an affair of the
heart. He understands that. He revealed (surprise!) that 13 years ago he'd
had a similar situation in Seattle. Wow. We have been talking and talking,
and come to some agreements: He's going to be nicer to me. He's going to
slow down. I have agreed to put a stop to the other thing. I've agreed not
to lie. We will be going to counseling, he by himself and us together.
Proud Mary, I don't know what will happen in the end, I still don't know if
the Attorney and I will make it long term ? until we die, etc, but I feel much
happier about giving him the chance to participate, to try to trust each
other, and to take responsibility for what I have done. I think he and
I have not been honest with each other for many years, maybe ever. I feel
very sad about my lover ? I have not talked to him yet but will this week. I
know I will miss him hugely. I have the feeling that he and I are not done
with each other, but now is not the time. I think my lover has to think about
why he is lying and what he wants.
Right now I am going to focus on the Attorney and my family, and hopefully we
will be strong enough to pull things together. Maybe not, or maybe one of
us won't want to in the end, but at least we both will have tried.
Anyway Proud Mary, I thank you so much for your very perceptive advice. You did me a really good deed and were a very good friend.
I have been thinking about Sophie, and she is there for you. That's going
to happen, I am going to pray for that, for your children.
Much love, The Writer"
I know it's been awhile since I write now thoughts, words, feelings are flooding out from me.
There is this wonderful line in the Lord of the Rings final trilogy, Return of the King that still haunts me. It's when Gandolph's replies to the hobbitt Mary when Mary states, "It's soo quiet" just before they do battle for Middle Earth with the Orks. Gandolph simply replies, "It's the last breath, before the fall".
This quote has stuck with me since I had seen that fatefull scene because there are times that I always feel like I am falling, whether I dream it or sometimes I feel that there is nothing else to hold on to.
A dear friend came to me in her time of need to ask for my hand to stop her from falling. She and her husband of 15 years are going through rough times in their marriage. She has cheated on him and I honestly told her she needed to tell him. We discussed her confused love of the other man as well as her life with her husband the Attorney. Below is an email of her discussion with her husband and how they are in a sense going through the battle of the heart. In our conversation, we also talked about my recent hurt about my ex-husband remarrying and being a father. My dear friend the Writer has been praying for that daughter I dream about each night I have named Sophie. She too hopes that Sophie and I will eventually meet.
"Proud Mary what a good and solid friend you are. Thank you so much for your very straight advice; it was just the right "lay it out on the table" nudge I
needed. I talked to the Attorney Saturday night at dinner ? I did not tell him
every last detail and left quite a bit of the physical stuff out, but he
got the picture ? that at the very least I am having an affair of the
heart. He understands that. He revealed (surprise!) that 13 years ago he'd
had a similar situation in Seattle. Wow. We have been talking and talking,
and come to some agreements: He's going to be nicer to me. He's going to
slow down. I have agreed to put a stop to the other thing. I've agreed not
to lie. We will be going to counseling, he by himself and us together.
Proud Mary, I don't know what will happen in the end, I still don't know if
the Attorney and I will make it long term ? until we die, etc, but I feel much
happier about giving him the chance to participate, to try to trust each
other, and to take responsibility for what I have done. I think he and
I have not been honest with each other for many years, maybe ever. I feel
very sad about my lover ? I have not talked to him yet but will this week. I
know I will miss him hugely. I have the feeling that he and I are not done
with each other, but now is not the time. I think my lover has to think about
why he is lying and what he wants.
Right now I am going to focus on the Attorney and my family, and hopefully we
will be strong enough to pull things together. Maybe not, or maybe one of
us won't want to in the end, but at least we both will have tried.
Anyway Proud Mary, I thank you so much for your very perceptive advice. You did me a really good deed and were a very good friend.
I have been thinking about Sophie, and she is there for you. That's going
to happen, I am going to pray for that, for your children.
Much love, The Writer"
ODE TO THE GENTLE GIANT PIZEEK
This is a wakeup call to all eligible gay men in the Portland Metro and SW Washington vicinity. There happens to be a wonderful man that I know that is not only beautiful on the outside, but also in the inside. He is loved by many because of his "kind heart" and true friendship. He has been there at our highs and especially in our lows. He can be very funny and witty one minute and the next sensitive enough to shed a tear where there is cruelty in this world. I know deep in my heart that you, his future soul mate, search for him. I want to tell you, no SHOUT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, that he is right here ready to love and be loved. There were those that entered his life, but they were not even close to his greatness. Many of us who are lucky to be his friend agree that that special person must also be great, kind, and most of all loving.
This is a wakeup call to all eligible gay men in the Portland Metro and SW Washington vicinity. There happens to be a wonderful man that I know that is not only beautiful on the outside, but also in the inside. He is loved by many because of his "kind heart" and true friendship. He has been there at our highs and especially in our lows. He can be very funny and witty one minute and the next sensitive enough to shed a tear where there is cruelty in this world. I know deep in my heart that you, his future soul mate, search for him. I want to tell you, no SHOUT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, that he is right here ready to love and be loved. There were those that entered his life, but they were not even close to his greatness. Many of us who are lucky to be his friend agree that that special person must also be great, kind, and most of all loving.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
SHOT TO THE HEART....
and your to blame, you give love a bad name. Isn't it sad that a Bon Jovi song from the past could poetically sum up how I feel for this week.
On Tuesday, 1/13/04 my ex The Chef unexpectedly called me at work in Salem (we work for the same company) for lunch. I knew he had to discuss something but didn't expect this.
He not only was going married to his live-in girlfriend of a year and half but surprise, SHE's PREGNANT! At this moment when those words came out of his mouth a flood of emotions rushed over me like those old school Tidal Wave gum commercials with water gushing everywhere and there I was drowning...
I told him with a stunned look,"Congratulations, I'm really happy for you" which was a lie. How can this asshole tell me that. He was the one in our marriage that stated he didn't want to have children due to his fear of passing his depression gene to our child. I'm the one who should be telling him I'm getting married and that I am pregnant. My current love, Tool Man has been very comforting during this and keeps reminding me that my emotions are only natural since he has gone through it with his ex recently being married with the man she had the affair with. Life has a way of throwing some curve balls at time and this is one of them.
The only comfort I have is that The Chef will be the third sperm donor to this woman. She has two children from previous relationships at 19 with an older gentleman and her second husband. They all live in a two bedroom apartment and money is tight. I also know that there is a period after the honeymoon that will be the most difficult with the baby crying or being sick. Yet in a sad and twisted sort of way, I am jealous. I am jealous that I currently do not have this wonderful miracle from me and my lover that is the blending of our two personalities as one.
The only thing I must remember is a saying my family lives by which is "things happen for a reason."
and your to blame, you give love a bad name. Isn't it sad that a Bon Jovi song from the past could poetically sum up how I feel for this week.
On Tuesday, 1/13/04 my ex The Chef unexpectedly called me at work in Salem (we work for the same company) for lunch. I knew he had to discuss something but didn't expect this.
He not only was going married to his live-in girlfriend of a year and half but surprise, SHE's PREGNANT! At this moment when those words came out of his mouth a flood of emotions rushed over me like those old school Tidal Wave gum commercials with water gushing everywhere and there I was drowning...
I told him with a stunned look,"Congratulations, I'm really happy for you" which was a lie. How can this asshole tell me that. He was the one in our marriage that stated he didn't want to have children due to his fear of passing his depression gene to our child. I'm the one who should be telling him I'm getting married and that I am pregnant. My current love, Tool Man has been very comforting during this and keeps reminding me that my emotions are only natural since he has gone through it with his ex recently being married with the man she had the affair with. Life has a way of throwing some curve balls at time and this is one of them.
The only comfort I have is that The Chef will be the third sperm donor to this woman. She has two children from previous relationships at 19 with an older gentleman and her second husband. They all live in a two bedroom apartment and money is tight. I also know that there is a period after the honeymoon that will be the most difficult with the baby crying or being sick. Yet in a sad and twisted sort of way, I am jealous. I am jealous that I currently do not have this wonderful miracle from me and my lover that is the blending of our two personalities as one.
The only thing I must remember is a saying my family lives by which is "things happen for a reason."
